Lu Shiyan's lips curved into an extremely faint, unreadable smile, more complex than anything.
He reached out, took the wine bottle from Xiao Han's hand, poured himself a glass, and then slowly spoke, his voice low and calm, as if recounting an old story unrelated to himself: "I know."
He paused, tilted his head back, and drained the glass, his Adam's apple bobbing. A barely audible sigh escaped him a moment later: "But... I... could only do that."
That understated "could only do that" completely provoked Xiao Han. He suddenly looked up, staring intently at Lu Shiyan, his eyes swirling with pain and resentment that had been suppressed for too long.
"Could only do that?" Xiao Han's voice suddenly rose, "With your casual 'could only do that,' Xiao Fei is gone! He was only fifteen! He hadn't even truly lived yet, and for your 'only,' he lost his life!"
He seemed to have been drained of all strength, slumping against the cold, broken wall, his eyes hollow as he gazed at the dark night sky.
"I often wonder, should I blame myself for being incompetent and unable to protect him... or should I blame your departure, blame your choice... that led to... that led to Xiao Fei..." He picked up the wine bottle again, taking a hard swig, the liquor spilling from the corner of his mouth.
"If you hadn't insisted on leaving then, if you hadn't..." Xiao Han's voice choked, and he couldn't utter the rest of the words. Those dusty memories were like poisoned daggers, repeatedly gouging his heart, making him almost suffocate.
Lu Shiyan remained silent, neither refuting nor explaining. He simply watched Xiao Han quietly, letting him vent.
For all these years, a huge boulder had been pressing on Xiao Han's heart. Xiao Fei's death was an unhealable scar in all their hearts, and an invisible rift between them as brothers.
The night wind grew colder, blowing against their bodies as if to carry away all the warmth from their bones.
Xiao Han's emotions gradually calmed, leaving only endless exhaustion and bewilderment. He held the wine bottle, drinking sip by sip, as if only this pungent liquid could numb his already battered heart.
"That day at the villa," he suddenly began, "you told me to protect Su Wan and leave... I really wanted to shoot you then."
He gave a self-deprecating laugh, a smile uglier than a cry: "I thought you were f*cking insane! You were practically dying yourself, and you still cared about that woman's life or death?! What kind of pampered noblewoman is Su Wan, and how did she treat you? Is she worth exchanging your life for?"
"At that time, I was thinking, go to hell! Aren't you, Lu Shiyan, capable? Aren't you powerful? Then bear it yourself! I don't care anymore!"
As he spoke, he took another big gulp of wine, his eyes gradually becoming hazy, as if he was sinking into some painful memory.
"But..." His voice stopped, and a suppressed sob escaped his throat, "But halfway there... I f*cking... I f*cking turned back..."
"I didn't want you to die..." Xiao Han's voice trembled, thick with a nasal tone, "A Shi... the thirteen of us... the thirteen of us grew up together in that orphanage, fought beasts, snatched pig slop, were beaten half to death, and also beat others half to death..."
"Xiao Fei is gone... Hao Zi is gone... Zhu Zi is gone too... they're all gone, one by one..."
"Only the two of us are left... A Shi..."
A line of clear tears, without warning, rolled from the corner of this tough man's eye, hitting the dusty ground and spreading a small dark stain.
"The two of us are the only ones left... out of 13 people..."
He lowered his head, his shoulders trembling violently, unable to utter another complete sentence. The despair and loneliness buried deep in his heart completely broke through all his pretense at this moment.
A sharp pang of pain shot through Lu Shiyan's heart. He reached out and pressed heavily on Xiao Han's shoulder, his knuckles slightly white from the force.
...
The next morning, as the first ray of sunlight shone through the cracks in the air-raid shelter, Xiao Han had recovered seven or eight parts of his usual spirit. Although his face was still pale and the dark circles under his eyes had not completely faded, that carefree, jovial demeanor was back.
He stretched widely, limbering up, humming an off-key tune, and walked up to Su Wan, who was distributing breakfast, grinning obsequiously: "Su Wan, little sister, do you have anything good to eat? Your brother is seriously injured and needs nutrition."
Su Wan rolled her eyes at him and ungraciously handed him a bowl of plain porridge and a few steamed buns: "Eat it or don't." But in her heart, she was relieved that his condition had improved. If this guy continued to be so depressed, the atmosphere of the team would also become oppressive.
Lu Shiyan was wiping his military knife nearby. Hearing this, he didn't even lift an eyelid, only coldly tossed out a sentence: "If you want to eat meat, go hunt a mutated rat outside yourself."
Xiao Han's neck recoiled, and he chuckled dryly: "Then forget it, I'm allergic to furry things, especially poisonous ones."
He turned to A Mo, "A Mo, can we discuss something? Next time you hunt some wild game, can you save a leg for me?"
A Mo gave a simple, honest smile and nodded. "Han Ge, when we can light a fire, I'll cook you medicated food." Su Wan couldn't help but laugh out loud, this A Mo.
The atmosphere was much more relaxed than last night.
After breakfast, Lu Shiyan gathered everyone together.
"Lei Laohu's people probably won't find us here for a while, but it's not good to stay here for long." He spread out the yellowed map. "Our next step is to go north."
Su Wan's heart stirred upon hearing this. North, that was where Su Jinhe, the original owner's father, established Dawn Base.
According to the plot in the book, Su Father had immense power and doted on his daughter. If they could reach him successfully, it would undoubtedly be the best option at present.
Xiao Han raised an eyebrow: "North? That's a long journey. But that's good, I'm tired of this crappy place in A City. I'll kill that old bastard Lei Laohu sooner or later."
Li Kui and Li Xinhu exchanged glances and also agreed. They were rootless drifters to begin with, and following Lu Shiyan and Xiao Han, at least they had a hope of survival.
"Su Wan," Lu Shiyan's gaze turned to her, "Your thoughts?"
Su Wan met his gaze and nodded: "Of course I have no objection!"
"Then when do we depart?" Su Wan asked eagerly.
"Immediately," Lu Shiyan said concisely.
"So soon?" Xiao Han groaned, "I wanted to get some more sleep."
"You can choose to stay here and wait for Lei Laohu," Lu Shiyan said indifferently.
Xiao Han immediately sprang up from the ground, patting the dust off his backside: "Alright! Lu Da Shao! Your humble servant obeys!" The speed of his mood change made Su Wan unable to help but laugh.
Only...
"Aren't we looking for Mo Yao anymore?" Su Wan couldn't help but ask.