Khan didn't completely agree with Lieutenant Dyester's words, but he followed his directives anyway.
It felt good to have someone watching over him during his training. Lieutenant Dyester pointed out many mistakes that Khan had started to absorb in his battle style. They would have become bad habits in the long run, but the soldier had caught them before that.
The lack of the mental barrier made Khan slightly weaker due to various undesired reactions during the battles, but he started to notice unexpected improvements after a few days.
Being emotional during a fight was a disadvantage, but learning how to control those feelings helped Khan's mindset. Moreover, his combat instincts developed faster when he used the entirety of his mind against the puppets.
His success rate in the perfect execution diminished before slowly rising again. Khan managed to hold his ground against the ninth difficulty level after thirteen days spent familiarizing himself with his emotions. His mindset inevitably grew colder, but he began to feel better. He even started to appreciate his small achievements.
"Did they tell you when you have to leave tomorrow?" Lieutenant Dyester asked while eating a soup ordered through Khan's phone.
"I bet they'll send me a message in a few hours," Khan replied while wolfing a chicken wing. "What is it? Do you miss me already?"
"Hurry up and leave," Lieutenant Dyester snorted. "You ruined my perfect sleeping schedule! If only I didn't accept her-."
Lieutenant Dyester suddenly interrupted his line. Khan and the soldier had become able to exchange jokes again after spending two entire weeks together. They had healed part of their respective pain, but some topics still hurt too much.
The soldier had read the reports of Istrone's rebellion during those days. He was aware of what Khan had to overcome to return to Earth alive, and he also learnt about Martha's injuries.
His connection with Martha's family made him sad about the girl's situation, but he knew that Khan felt far worse.
"It's fine," Khan sighed while placing the chicken wing on the lunch box. "She will wake up and get back on her feet in no time."
Khan had been the one who benefitted the most from those two weeks. Part of his playful character had returned, even if he showed it only with Lieutenant Dyester. The emptiness that spread from his insides didn't feel too overwhelming anymore either.
Khan still lost himself in his thoughts. His regular face had also become cold and detached. He didn't feel as helpless as before, but the idea of remaining inside the training camp remained unbearable.
Leaving was mandatory in his mind. Peace was suffocating. Lieutenant Dyester didn't hide his worry concerning Khan's feelings, but their conversation about that topic didn't go anywhere.
Lieutenant Dyester eventually realized that only Khan could decide when to accept peace again. The soldier believed that Martha's awakening could trigger that event, but he had no power over the matter. He only hoped that Khan would miss Earth after spending more time on other planets.
"Khan," Lieutenant Dyester broke the silence that had fallen between the two.
"What is it?" Khan asked while sealing the lunch box and putting it away.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lieutenant Dyester asked. "I might not be the most suitable listener for your situation, but I know what it's like to remain alone with your thoughts after a tragedy."
"What can talking even do?" Khan asked before heaving a helpless sigh. "I did what I needed to do to survive. I know that Martha's condition isn't my fault. The situation is just sad."
"You are young," Lieutenant Dyester commented. "You'll still be young when she wakes up. You only lost some time."
Khan stared at the black floor when Lieutenant Dyester forced him to think about his situation. His fears had never concerned Martha's health. His worries involved the changes in his character.
"She liked a joyful boy who could spit non-sense just to make her laugh," Khan eventually revealed. "She might not like the cold-looking me who can't even sleep properly."
Lieutenant Dyester remained silent at that point. Khan had started to speak. He only needed to give him enough room to continue.
"I didn't think that the aliens could be so different, you know?" Khan revealed after a few silent seconds. "I'm not talking about their aspect. Their morals, customs, and mindsets are different. I expected something similar, but…."
"But?" Lieutenant Dyester asked when he noticed Khan's complicated expression.
"The Kred are big. You know that," Khan said while standing up and lifting his arm to describe how tall the aliens were with his hand. "They reach physical maturity quickly. You basically can't differentiate between a kid and an adult unless you are an expert in the field."
"I do know that," Lieutenant Dyester revealed. "They are a strong species. Male and females are ready to jump into battle after little less than ten years of life."
"We were hiding behind trees one day," Khan continued while using his hands to describe the layout of the jungle. "I had sensed two Kred in front of us. They were with Luke and other recruits, but here I am. I see those tall aliens and decide that escaping is better."
"You had never faced a Kred before," Lieutenant Dyester commented. "You had also just learnt how to use your senses. Retreating when you don't know your odds is a good choice."
"I turn, right?" Khan exclaimed while crouching and replaying the scene with his body. "I turn and see this tall Kred trying to sneak up on us. I didn't sense her, but I attack right away. My knee hits her face before slamming her on the ground. Two perfect executions in a row. I was ready for the third, but she doesn't move."
Lieutenant Dyester held himself back from commenting. He had noticed how Khan had started using "her" to describe the alien. He knew that something was up.
"The other two Kred attack us," Khan continued, "But we deal with them. They turn out to be pretty weak, so the others tie them to a tree while I get the third. I had to spend a whole minute to understand that she was dead."
"Was she your first?" Lieutenant Dyester asked. "That's a good first. You didn't kill her on purpose. She had misjudged the power of your group."
"Of course she did," Khan snorted. "She was damned ten. Those three aliens were a young family who happened to be on patrol duty for the mighty higher-ups."
Lieutenant Dyester understood why that matter weighed on Khan's mind so much. He had basically killed a kid according to human standards.
"You can't use human morals to study the event," Lieutenant Dyester promptly replied. "The Kred are adults at that age. Don't see her as a kid."
"They begged us to see their daughter," Khan sighed. "They told us everything they knew for her, even if she was lying dead some meters away."
"You couldn't leave two angry Kred behind you," Lieutenant Dyester explained. "You wouldn't have been here otherwise."
"They were a desperate family," Khan shook his head while sitting back on the floor. "They are a desperate species. I know that feeling far too well, but I showed no mercy."
"Kid," Lieutenant Dyester sighed at the sight of Khan's sad face, "That's how the army works. You can avoid that nasty stuff by earning a position in a safe place, but wars will always exist around you. You should get away now if you worry about falling apart."
"That's not the issue," Khan struggled to say. "I've seen those who risked falling apart. I've seen recruits completely broken by the event even. I didn't."
"You had the mental barrier," Lieutenant Dyester replied.
"You can cut away emotions," Khan commented. "You can't cut away your true nature. I fear that I might be perfect for that stuff."
Khan didn't fear danger. He wasn't too worried about death either. Yet, his desperation scared him. He didn't know what that feeling would make him do if he grew too used to killing.
"Most of my platoon was dead by then," Lieutenant Dyester suddenly said while looking toward an empty spot in the training hall. "I was marching alone toward a large prison camp when I saw that the Kred had executed all my remaining friends."
Khan couldn't help but focus on the Lieutenant at that point. He had never thought that the soldier would reveal stories of the crisis from forty years ago.
"I get mad and start launching spells," Lieutenant Dyester scoffed. "It's hard to care about your actions when you have nothing left to lose. I kill freely, burning every Kred that tries to charge at me or run away. I am unstoppable, and the aliens eventually realize that.
"They start falling on their knees and putting their hands behind their heads. Do you believe it? They have the beheaded corpses of my friends around them, but they still try to surrender."
Lieutenant Dyester showed a dark expression, and his eyes fell on his hands. He started inspecting his palms and fingers while a faint disgust appeared on his face.
"You should never lose control of your emotions," Lieutenant Dyester exclaimed. "Mana gives us the chance to be gods among normal men. It makes killing too easy. I realized what I had done only after I couldn't find anyone else to burn."
Khan gulped. His situation had been completely different. He had never lost control of his actions during Istrone's rebellion.
"You might have more talent than me at this," Lieutenant Dyester revealed. "Killing will become easier, but don't let it grow meaningless in your mind. The ugly feelings that you experience after taking a life are part of what makes you human. Only those who can suffer can also experience love and happiness. Never forget that."
"Do you still suffer?" Khan asked.
"You shouldn't worry about me," Lieutenant Dyester said before giving voice to a faint laugh. "I'm a defective training dummy. I've tried to be a monster, but my mind opposed my programming."
The conversation ended with those words. Both Khan and Lieutenant Dyester had problems that they could only solve on their own. Still, Khan made sure to memorize the soldier's teachings and accept them in his mind.
His words still resounded in his mind by the time Khan returned to his flat. All of a sudden, his emptiness and sorrow didn't feel too bad anymore. They proved that he wasn't a mindless killer.
'Get better at killing without growing used to it,' Khan summarized in his mind before a notification reached his phone.
The Global Army had finally given him the schedule for his trip to Nitis. He would have to depart early in the morning. The message even said that he would spend the remaining months of the first year of training there.
****
Author's notes: The first volume will end here. See you tomorrow at the beginning of the second.