Chapter 1 - Disaster Brought Forth by a Name
My Father in Law is Lu Bu - Chapter 1 - Disaster Brought Forth by a Name
Original by Bro got a Gun, Translated by James, Edited and Proofread by Jade
Jinling Convention Center. Sunny with blue skies.
It was supposed to be delightful weather. But for Liu Mang, the weather was a source of great torment.
Liu Mang was wearing tight armor. It was one of the well known zodiac armor, the Aries Gold Cloth.
[TL: Saint Seiya is very famous throughout Asia and the South Americas; however, it never hit big in the U.S.)
Today was the Jinling Cosplay Contest. Liu Mang, who had never been interested in overpriced convention items, was dragged there because of his body. His height was to blame; standing at 1.8 meters, his frame was perfect for the Gold Cloth.
[TL: 1.8meters is about 5 ft 9 inches.)
“Which fucker brought this damn prop,” Liu Mang complained powerlessly. If you said you cosplay, then just cosplay. Why must you purchase a full metal build cosplay? Although it’s an aluminum armor, it’s still freaking heavy.
A set of armor was twenty to thirty pounds. Not only must you wear it everywhere, but you’re unable to rest. Although this stuff was just cosplay armor, it still satisfied the principles of being real armor. You could forget about sitting down when you’re wearing it. The metal plates on the hips and thighs would most certainly allow you to experience what is known as the explosive chrysanthemum.
[TL: I am using pounds instead of jin for ease. A jin is about 1.1 pounds. 20jin is 22lbs and 30jin is 33lbs.]
[TL: I had to google what explosive chrysanthemum meant…. well… chrysanthemum is a flower that somewhat resemble what part of the butt? You guessed right - the anus. So… there you have it.]
“This was custom-made by me. What, you have something to say?!” A very pleasant looking female was standing in front of Liu Mang. However, he knew that she was two faced.
[TL: outwardly kind but inwardly evil]
“I dare not. Big sister is the most formidable!” Once he heard this voice, Liu Mang immediately changed his sour expression to a fawning smile. This two faced woman was Chen Yi, the president of the school’s anime and manga club. Not only was she a tyrant in the club, but she was also a tyrant at school. Liu Mang dare not offend her. He wanted her help meeting girls in order to rid himself of twenty-something years of chastity. Nothing good would come out of offending her. However, today, he had been caught by her.
“That’s more like it,” Chen Yi laughed. “Be good. After we finish with today, big sister will introduce you to girls. Do you want pure girls or mature girls? As long as they’re in our anime and manga club, I can introduce you to them.”
When Chen Yi laughed, she looked really nice. She had a delicate face. Today she was cosplaying Hatsune Miku, and her tight fitting clothes perfectly outlined her curves.“I would be fine with you,” Liu Mang blurted out.
“Ah?” Chen Yi was shocked. She didn’t expect Liu Mang to say that. Even her face got a little red. However, because she was indeed a funu (腐女, fujoshi), so it took her but a moment to recover. “Liu Mang, you really are a hooligan to even dare assail me!”
[TL: Liu Mang’s name (刘莽) is sounded very similar to 流氓 (liu mang) which means hooligan, molester, etc.]
“Oh shit!” Liu Mang knew he fucked up royally to have said that sentence. While Chen Yi was still in a state of shock, he immediately grabbed his helmet and started running. The last thing on his mind was his heavy and uncomfortable armor.
“Liu Mang, you better stop running,” Chen Yi shouted.
“Stop? Only idiots stop for you!” Liu Mang was not without pride and if he was to be caught by Chen Yi, his life was over. As the ancient thirty six stratagems said, if all else fails, escape.
[TL: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirty-Six_Stratagems]
“Molester?! (liu mang)” An uncle class [TL: old looking dude] cosplay fan watched Liu Mang as he was being chased by Chen Yi.
A beautiful woman was calling a man “molester (liu mang)”. There could only be one explanation.
The uncle’s justice senses began to tingle. He pointed at Liu Mang and shouted, “Molester! Molester! Don’t let him escape! Quickly, catch the molester!”
“Catch the molester?!” Otaku and fujoshi have many taboos, one of which being molesters. Cosplay outfits can be very revealing, making it easy for cosplayers to be taken advantage of. Thus, they all detested molesters.
“A molester! That guy wearing the Aries Gold Cloth is the molester! Guys, don’t let him escape!” One, two, three… soon there were over a hundred justice warriors chasing Liu Mang.
“What the fuck is this?!” Liu Mang was terrified. “I assail you with words and you send all these people after me!”
“It’s a misunderstanding! A misunderstanding!” Chen Yi became aware that the situation was getting out of hand. The ‘Liu Mang’ she spoke of and the ‘liu mang’ (molester) that they heard were two completely different things.
Being chased by hundreds of people… how would he survive if he was actually caught? Chen Yi was starting to regret this. “Liu Mang, run faster! Run away!”
“Molester, run faster? Run away? Wasn’t that girl the victim? Why would she tell the molester to run?!”
Some people were starting to realize it might be a misunderstanding. However, before they had time to think about it, the incoming crowd forced them to continue chasing after Liu Mang.
The 'uncle' from earlier started shouting again. “Catch that molester! Catch that molester! He’s caused the girl to become disoriented! Once we catch him, we absolutely cannot spare him!”
“That’s right. Maybe the girl said the wrong thing in anger!” The justice warriors started chasing him even more frantically.
“Fucking hell! A dead end!” Liu Mang wanted to weep. What sin did he commit in order for there to be a white wall in front of him, crushing all hopes of escape?
“Keep running! Try running again! No where to run? You dare try to escape after molesting somebody,” the uncle yelled.
“Uncle, this is a misunderstanding. All of this is a misunderstanding,” Liu Mang stammered. His face was covered in sweat. Anybody standing in his place would be afraid - there were hundreds of people surrounding a single person.
“Uncle?!” The leading man completely ignored the whole 'misunderstanding' bit. “You dare call me an uncle?!” The heavy-set man rolled up his sleeves, deciding to engage Liu Mang. However, he was stopped by some of the crowd.
“Perhaps this really is a misunderstanding,” someone called from the crowd.
“Possibly.” Another nodded.
“Right, right, this is a misunderstanding,” Liu Mang said, overjoyed. As long as he had a moment to explain, he wouldn’t be killed. He then saw Chen Yi approaching. “Look behind you! Chen Yi, Boss Chen, please help me explain this!”
Chen Yi saw that Liu Mang almost managed to get out of trouble. “Liu- Liu Mang, stop-stop running...,” she cried while darting over.
“Didn’t I say that he’s the molester? How would that possibly be mistaken,” the uncle asked as he continued to lead the group.
“So it wasn’t a misunderstanding! To dare molest somebody here! Boy,you must really want die,” another shouted.
“Why waste time talking to him!? Beat him up!”
“Well, I’m fucked,” Liu Mang sighed. With despair in his eyes, he held his head low and squatted on the floor. The hundreds of people immediately jumped him.
“... running… so.. fast! I’ll explain everything,” Chen Yi finally managed to finish her whole sentence. Her whole sentence was 'Liu Mang, stop running so fast! I'll explain everything.'
Unfortunately, neither Liu Mang nor the people currently beating him up, heard her.
“Ah- oh- ah- oh-!” Liu Mang’s miserable cries would bring a chilling sensation to anybody that heard him.
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“That fucking hurts,” Liu Mang hissed in pain. Not a single area of his body didn’t sting. “Those bastards were really fucking ruthless!” He had made up his mind. He would get revenge on the 'uncle'. He had been the worst of all, having aimed at his face the whole entire time. He worried that his handsome face might have been disfigured.
It wasn’t until the pain subsided slightly that Liu Mang decided to stand. He looked up to see several armored soldiers surrounding him.
“What the fuck are you looking at? Haven’t you seen a handsome guy before,” Liu Mang shouted. He was still bitter about being beaten up, and now that he was surrounded and being watched like a monkey, his anger was only increasing. “Fucking bumpkins! Cosplaying with such shitty armor! Look at my shiny armor and look at what you guys are wearing!“ Liu Mang wanted to vent all his frustrations on the country bumpkins.
“And look at your blade! It’s already rusted red. Aren’t you embarrassed to bring those things out?!”
“Who art thou?” A person who appeared to be the leader amongst the soldiers began questioning Liu Mang.
“O-ho! Speaking archaic, are you? Why weren’t you fuckers so polite when you were beating me up?! “ Liu Mang wasn’t sure if the people surrounding him were the ones who beat him. All he knew was that he was very, very pissed.
After listening to Liu Mang, the leader frowned and said, “Er Gozi, go and inform the city lord. Tell him we caught a Cao army spy on the walls.”
“Cao army spy? Squad leader meant…” A soldier by the name of Er Gozi spoke hesitantly. While he didn’t know who the person in front of him wearing golden armor was, he knew for certain that the person wasn’t a Cao army spy.
This was because the golden armored person came from the sky.
[TL: I translated 什长 to squad leader. This is because 什长 basically means that he is a leader who controls 10 troops. While searching for it, I believe squad leader is the best term. A squad is consist of 7-12 troops.]
From the sky. He might even be a god from heaven.
“When I say go, you go! Why so much nonsense,” the squad leader roared angrily.
“Yes, right away!” Er Gozi stepped back, preparing to leave.
“Cao army. Squad leader. City lord. Pretty good acting! Why not just say I’m Cao Cao,” Liu Mang said with disdain.
“Ah, so you’re Prime Minister Cao. No wonder Prime Minister Cao won against my lord! Turns out Prime Minister Cao is a deity from heaven,” Er Gozi chimed.
“So you’re traitor Cao. Traitor Cao, prepare to die!” The squad leader’s face changed the moment Liu Mang said he was Cao Cao. Furious, he grabbed his blade and approached Liu Mang.
“You- What are you trying to do?!” Liu Mang was now nervous. He realized something was wrong. The people standing before him were extremely pale and yellow- typically a sign of malnutrition. If it had been one or two individuals, he might assume they were suffering from anorexia. However, this was a whole group of people.
Liu Mang watched as the man approached him. His eyes were bloodshot, and his stare was like the stare of a beast.
“What am I trying to do? I’m going to kill you and avenge my mother!” The more he spoke, the more demented he appeared. Even his blade was trembling. He was called Cheng Yu, a man from Xu Province. In the first year of Xing Ping, Cao Cao’s father Cao Song was killed in Xu Province. Cao Cao, in an effort to avenge his father’s death, sent troops to invade Xu Province. The Xu Province was then owned by Old Tao. Not only did Cao Cao scare Old Tao to death, he even killed all the civilians of Qulu, Suiling, and Xiaqiu.
[TL: First year of Xing Ping = first year of Emperor Xian of Han’s rule = 192 CE]
[TL: Old Tao = Tao Qian]
[TL: Qulu, Suiling and Xiaqiu are counties located in the Xu Province.]
Cheng Yu’s mother was a victim of the invasion.
“Murderer of my mother, we cannot live under the same sky! Today, I, Cheng Yu, shall avenge my mother,” Cheng Yu cried.
What kind of situation was this? Liu Mang was confused. When did he kill this man’s mother?! Forget killing. He couldn’t even afford to touch or bump into her!
“Squad leader- squad leader!” The soldiers pulled Cheng Yu back. It was clear that they didn’t have virtuous intentions. Liu Mang’s confusing appearance simply frightened them.
“All of you, let me go! Today, either I die, or he dies!” Cheng Yu began breathing loudly. His murderous aura was getting stronger.
Liu Mang saw that the soldiers would soon be unable to stop him.
A loud drum noise was suddenly heard.
“Shaaaaa!!!!”
[TL: Sha = kill, it’s a warcry in this aspect. I kept the original because Killllll!!!! sounds…. kinda lame..]